Kitchen Jokes
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
Keep your kitchen clean. Eat out.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen. This one is delirious.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
My next house will not have a kitchen - just vending machines.
Countless people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
Skinny cooks can't be trusted.
A balanced diet is a Twinkie in each hand.
Getting Them to the Table
A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day.
The father says to the son, “I hate to tell you, but we’ve got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can’t stand each other anymore, and we’re getting a divorce. I’ve had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I’m telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn’t go into shock later when I move out.”
He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news.
The sister says, “I’ll handle this.”
She calls Florida and says to her father, “Don’t do ANYTHING till we get there! We’ll be there Wednesday night.”
The father agrees, “All right.”
The old man hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?”
The Parrot
A man buys a parrot, only to have it constantly insult him. He tries everything to make the parrot stop, but nothing works. Frustrated, the man puts the parrot in the freezer.
After a few minutes the insults stop. The man thinks he might have killed the parrot, so he opens the freezer and takes the parrot out.
The parrot is shivering. It stammers, “S-s-sorry for being r-r-rude. Please f-f-forgive me.” Then, after a moment, the parrot softly asks, “W-w-what exactly d-d-did the turkey do?”
From the Twitterverse
Based on my calculations, I should be able to retire at age 136 for approximately three hours.
@markleggett
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
@neiltyson
I gotta hand it to me, I wanted to go to bed so many times during this game but I stuck with it and stayed on the couch.
@juliussharpe
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they're way too big for him.
@tastefactory
When I was young I did stupid things because I didn't know any better. Now I know better and do stupid things because I miss being young.
@yoyoha
Keep your kitchen clean. Eat out.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen. This one is delirious.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
My next house will not have a kitchen - just vending machines.
Countless people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
Skinny cooks can't be trusted.
A balanced diet is a Twinkie in each hand.
Getting Them to the Table
A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day.
The father says to the son, “I hate to tell you, but we’ve got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can’t stand each other anymore, and we’re getting a divorce. I’ve had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I’m telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn’t go into shock later when I move out.”
He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news.
The sister says, “I’ll handle this.”
She calls Florida and says to her father, “Don’t do ANYTHING till we get there! We’ll be there Wednesday night.”
The father agrees, “All right.”
The old man hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?”
The Parrot
A man buys a parrot, only to have it constantly insult him. He tries everything to make the parrot stop, but nothing works. Frustrated, the man puts the parrot in the freezer.
After a few minutes the insults stop. The man thinks he might have killed the parrot, so he opens the freezer and takes the parrot out.
The parrot is shivering. It stammers, “S-s-sorry for being r-r-rude. Please f-f-forgive me.” Then, after a moment, the parrot softly asks, “W-w-what exactly d-d-did the turkey do?”
From the Twitterverse
Based on my calculations, I should be able to retire at age 136 for approximately three hours.
@markleggett
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
@neiltyson
I gotta hand it to me, I wanted to go to bed so many times during this game but I stuck with it and stayed on the couch.
@juliussharpe
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they're way too big for him.
@tastefactory
When I was young I did stupid things because I didn't know any better. Now I know better and do stupid things because I miss being young.
@yoyoha
