Who Took Fireball?
A
cowboy strolls into town on his horse, Fireball, and goes straight to the
saloon. He drinks straight whiskey for a few hours, never moving except
to take another drink. When he's done, he gets up and walks out of the
saloon.
He immediately runs back in and yells, "Alright! Who took Fireball?" But nobody makes a noise.
He continues, "Okay, I'm gonna give y'all to the count of three then we're gonna have a repeat of what happened back in '71."
"ONE!" He pauses and nobody moves a muscle.
"TWO!" Everybody braces for impending doom.
"Here it comes... THR..."
He is interrupted by a man in the saloon, "Wait! It was just a joke mister. Your horse is right out back... By the way, what'd you do in '71?"
The Penance
Joke: John was feeling guilty, so he went to church for a confession.
John: Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I stole some wood from a construction site.
The priest: Well what did you do with the lumber my son?
John: Well my sons wheelchair ramp was broken so I fixed it.
The priest: At least you did good with it.
John: Wait father, I had some wood left.
The priest: What did you do with it?
John: My dog was cold so I built him a house.
The priest: I guess you still did good with it.
John: Wait father, I had some wood left.
The priest: What did you do with it?
John: My car was cold, so I built it a two-car garage to keep it warm.
The priest: That is a little out of hand...
John: But father, I still had a little wood left. My wife had always wanted a bigger house, so I built a second floor for our house.
The priest: Whoa! That's way too much! You are going to have to make a Novena for penance. Do you know how to make a Novena?
John: No, but if you have the plans I have plenty of wood.
Cuckoo Clock
A man goes out with his friends for the night. Before he leaves he tells his wife, "I promise I will be home by midnight."
Midnight comes and goes. He finally arrives home at about 3 AM. As he walks in he realizes the cuckoo clock is about to go off. As it begins to go off he has a flash of genius and decides to coo another 9 times. He sneaks in to bed satisfied with himself.
The next morning he wakes up and his wife has breakfast made. She doesn't seem to be mad. Satisfied with himself he asks her, "You sleep okay last night?"
She replies, "Yeah, but we need a cuckoo clock."
He asks her why and she tells him, "Last night it cooed 3 times. Then it yelled, 'Crap!' It cooed another 6 times and giggled a little bit. Finally it cooed 3 more times, farted, and tripped on the carpet."
Shorts
He immediately runs back in and yells, "Alright! Who took Fireball?" But nobody makes a noise.
He continues, "Okay, I'm gonna give y'all to the count of three then we're gonna have a repeat of what happened back in '71."
"ONE!" He pauses and nobody moves a muscle.
"TWO!" Everybody braces for impending doom.
"Here it comes... THR..."
He is interrupted by a man in the saloon, "Wait! It was just a joke mister. Your horse is right out back... By the way, what'd you do in '71?"
The cowboy looks him dead in the eye and says, "I had to walk home."
The Penance
John: Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I stole some wood from a construction site.
The priest: Well what did you do with the lumber my son?
John: Well my sons wheelchair ramp was broken so I fixed it.
The priest: At least you did good with it.
John: Wait father, I had some wood left.
The priest: What did you do with it?
John: My dog was cold so I built him a house.
The priest: I guess you still did good with it.
John: Wait father, I had some wood left.
The priest: What did you do with it?
John: My car was cold, so I built it a two-car garage to keep it warm.
The priest: That is a little out of hand...
John: But father, I still had a little wood left. My wife had always wanted a bigger house, so I built a second floor for our house.
The priest: Whoa! That's way too much! You are going to have to make a Novena for penance. Do you know how to make a Novena?
John: No, but if you have the plans I have plenty of wood.
Cuckoo Clock
A man goes out with his friends for the night. Before he leaves he tells his wife, "I promise I will be home by midnight."
Midnight comes and goes. He finally arrives home at about 3 AM. As he walks in he realizes the cuckoo clock is about to go off. As it begins to go off he has a flash of genius and decides to coo another 9 times. He sneaks in to bed satisfied with himself.
The next morning he wakes up and his wife has breakfast made. She doesn't seem to be mad. Satisfied with himself he asks her, "You sleep okay last night?"
She replies, "Yeah, but we need a cuckoo clock."
He asks her why and she tells him, "Last night it cooed 3 times. Then it yelled, 'Crap!' It cooed another 6 times and giggled a little bit. Finally it cooed 3 more times, farted, and tripped on the carpet."
Shorts
*Kid in store with their own money*
Kid: Can I get this?
Me: Sure, you have your own money
Kid: Forget it.
Kid: Can I get this?
Me: Sure, you have your own money
Kid: Forget it.
@thedad
=====
A typical cup holds about 8 ounces of liquid.
But if a child spills it, that number increases to 8 gallons.
@homewithpeanut
=====
But if a child spills it, that number increases to 8 gallons.
@homewithpeanut
=====
I
really think that one day when I wasn’t paying attention my two year
old daughter took one of those Master Class sessions taught by a former
FBI hostage negotiator.
@danpfeiffer
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