Three Accountants and Three Engineers
Three accountants and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three engineers each buy a ticket and watch as the three accountants only buy one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an engineer.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an accountant.
They all board the train. The engineers take their respective seats but all three accountants cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the
restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The engineers see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the engineers decide to copy the accountants on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the accountants don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed engineer.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an accountant.
When they board the train all three engineers cram into a restroom and the three accountants cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the accountants leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"
One Good Deed Gets You Through the Gates
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted.
St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen"
"About three minutes ago."
Road Trip
Four guys are driving cross-country together. One is from Idaho, one from Iowa, one from Florida, and the last one is from New York.
A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window. The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?"
The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Idaho they're laying around on the ground- I'm sick of looking at them!"
A few more miles down the road, the man from Iowa begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Florida asks "What are you doing that for?"
The man from Iowa replies, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Iowa I'm sick of looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.
Shorts
Just seen a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch.
@dadsaysjokes
I once dated an apostrophe. Too possessive.
@aparnapkin
Today is National Teacher Appreciation Day. Our entire audience is filled with New York City public school teachers. Be honest, how many of you threw on a movie and left school early to be here?
-Jimmy Fallon
Sign up for any one of our eNewsletters and stay informed on the latest new products, emerging technologies, and time-saving strategies in the industry. These industry focused newsletters give you the information you need, delivered right to your inbox.
At the station, the three engineers each buy a ticket and watch as the three accountants only buy one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an engineer.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an accountant.
They all board the train. The engineers take their respective seats but all three accountants cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the
restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The engineers see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the engineers decide to copy the accountants on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the accountants don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed engineer.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an accountant.
When they board the train all three engineers cram into a restroom and the three accountants cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the accountants leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"
One Good Deed Gets You Through the Gates
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted.
St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen"
"About three minutes ago."
Road Trip
Four guys are driving cross-country together. One is from Idaho, one from Iowa, one from Florida, and the last one is from New York.
A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window. The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?"
The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Idaho they're laying around on the ground- I'm sick of looking at them!"
A few more miles down the road, the man from Iowa begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Florida asks "What are you doing that for?"
The man from Iowa replies, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Iowa I'm sick of looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.
Shorts
Just seen a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch.
@dadsaysjokes
I once dated an apostrophe. Too possessive.
@aparnapkin
Today is National Teacher Appreciation Day. Our entire audience is filled with New York City public school teachers. Be honest, how many of you threw on a movie and left school early to be here?
-Jimmy Fallon
Sign up for any one of our eNewsletters and stay informed on the latest new products, emerging technologies, and time-saving strategies in the industry. These industry focused newsletters give you the information you need, delivered right to your inbox.
