Where's the Body
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door."
Things To Do to Drive Your Roommate Crazy
An Irishman Closes the Bar
A watermelon farmer was determined to scare off the local kids who went into his watermelon patch every night to eat their fill.
After some thought, he made a sign that said, "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS HAS BEEN INJECTED WITH CYANIDE!" He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
A week later, the farmer was surveying his field. To his satisfaction, no watermelons were missing, but a sign next to his read, "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"
Shorts
It's her summer break so I woke my 11-year-old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I've been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
@simoncholland
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about.
@rebrafsim
In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."
Things To Do to Drive Your Roommate Crazy
- Insist that your roommate recite the pledge of allegiance with you every morning.
- Every five minutes, get up, open the door, peek out, close the door and look relieved.
- When listening to the radio, sing along with different lyrics and a different tune.
- Every time you handle something of your roommate's, use a tissue or gloves.
- While unlocking your door with the key, complain that the engine won't start.
- Name your animal crackers. Mourn for them after you eat them.
- Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.
- Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make a milkshake every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty hamster cage, and say, "I was curious."
- Try to make meals using your roommate's electric blanket.
- Aerate your underwear drawer. explain that "they" are not getting enough oxygen.
- Put black tape over the eyes of the people in your roommate's pictures. Complain that they were staring at you.
- Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, wake him or her up and say, "it's time to go to bed now."
- Insist that back home where you come from, people were not considered friends unless they called each other as "schnookums". Address them as such in as many public places as possible.
- Explain that you used to have a strange disorder in which you would lash out at anyone nearby. Go on to say that you have been completely cured since your doctor started you on a new pill that you usually take right about then. Reach into your bag, search around for a couple of minutes and murmur "uh-ohhh..." as you look VERY concerned. Then smile sheepishly and say "Wellll...sometimes aspirin helps."
- Ask directions to the nearest Kmart. When your roommate asks why, tell them that maybe this year, if they're lucky, santa will bring them a new wardrobe. Wink obviously.
- Take out a huge, ancient-looking book and ask if your roommate has ever wondered about voodoo.
- Buy
a wig with your hair color, and give it a horrendous haircut. Put it
on, and when your roommate comes in, act like nothing is different and
casually drop in that you had decided that it was time for a trim. Then
ask if they're ready for that night out on the town you'd been planning
for so long.
An Irishman Closes the Bar
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!" Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."
The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!" Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."
A watermelon farmer was determined to scare off the local kids who went into his watermelon patch every night to eat their fill.
After some thought, he made a sign that said, "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS HAS BEEN INJECTED WITH CYANIDE!" He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
A week later, the farmer was surveying his field. To his satisfaction, no watermelons were missing, but a sign next to his read, "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"
Shorts
It's her summer break so I woke my 11-year-old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I've been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
@simoncholland
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about.
@rebrafsim
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