A Bad Day
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man." the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life." I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
Brain Cramps by Famous People
Quotes made by famous people without much thought...
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas.
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-- Lee Iacocca
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
100+ Years of Fatherhood
In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure a new tape is in the video camera.
In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the DVR.
In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice!"
In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the child was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid says, "But I wanted an X-Box!"
In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at gym, Pizza in the fridge."
2 Doilies
There once was a man and a woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other... except that the old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open it or ask her about it.
For all these years he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would never recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it he found 2 beautifully crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling over $25,000. He asked her about the unusual contents.
"When we were married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."
The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with joy and happiness.
"Sweetheart," he said... "that explains the doilies, but what about all this money? Where did it all come from?"
Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies."
Shorts & Late Night
Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was summoned to answer questions about the footballs that were mysteriously deflated in their game against the Colts. This was covered live on all the sports networks and also live on Fox News, CNN, MSNBC, ABC, and a bunch of local channels. You would think Tom Brady had killed the president's dog.
If the Patriots are found to have underinflated the balls they might lose draft picks, and the league could take away coach Bill Belichick's favorite hoodie.
Deflate-gate isn't the only thing in Boston now. Boston is the city chosen to vie for the Summer Olympics in 2024. Mayor Walsh is prohibiting city employees from making negative comments about the games or the process. That seems unnecessary. If people from Boston are known for anything, it's for keeping their opinions to themselves, right?
-Jimmy Kimmel
According to the magazine U.S. News and World Report, the best job in America is being a dentist. Which is interesting because a dentist’s office is the only place where people still read U.S. News and World Report.
-Jimmy Fallon
There was a flight from Cleveland to New York City with just two people on board. There hasn't been just two people on an airplane since the Wright brothers.
Congratulations to Ohio State, your new college football champions. Coach Urban Meyer may be the greatest football coach of all time. Don't confuse him with New York Mayor Bill de Blasio. That's urban quagmire.
-David Letterman
The IRS is warning that there could be long delays getting your tax refund this year because of budget cuts. They're expecting so many delays that they're renaming themselves the DMV.
The good news regarding the IRS budget cuts is that they also won't be auditing as many people. So if you've been thinking of claiming your pets as dependents this might be the year to do it.
President Obama is focused now on cyber security. He's pushing for new laws to protect companies from hackers. And who better to do that than the people who brought us the Obamacare website? Not only couldn't hackers get in, no one could penetrate it.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Yesterday, during his domestic abuse trial, NASCAR driver Kurt Busch said he believes his ex-girlfriend is a CIA-trained assassin. I guess those are just the kinds of thoughts you have when you drive in circles for four hours.
Fidel Castro, who hasn’t been publicly seen for more than a year, wrote a personal letter referencing current events to prove he is still alive. And nothing says “I’m alive in 2015” like writing a letter.
-Seth Meyers
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man." the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life." I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
Brain Cramps by Famous People
Quotes made by famous people without much thought...
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas.
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-- Lee Iacocca
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
100+ Years of Fatherhood
In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure a new tape is in the video camera.
In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the DVR.
In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice!"
In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the child was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid says, "But I wanted an X-Box!"
In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at gym, Pizza in the fridge."
2 Doilies
There once was a man and a woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other... except that the old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open it or ask her about it.
For all these years he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would never recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it he found 2 beautifully crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling over $25,000. He asked her about the unusual contents.
"When we were married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."
The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with joy and happiness.
"Sweetheart," he said... "that explains the doilies, but what about all this money? Where did it all come from?"
Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies."
Shorts & Late Night
Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was summoned to answer questions about the footballs that were mysteriously deflated in their game against the Colts. This was covered live on all the sports networks and also live on Fox News, CNN, MSNBC, ABC, and a bunch of local channels. You would think Tom Brady had killed the president's dog.
If the Patriots are found to have underinflated the balls they might lose draft picks, and the league could take away coach Bill Belichick's favorite hoodie.
Deflate-gate isn't the only thing in Boston now. Boston is the city chosen to vie for the Summer Olympics in 2024. Mayor Walsh is prohibiting city employees from making negative comments about the games or the process. That seems unnecessary. If people from Boston are known for anything, it's for keeping their opinions to themselves, right?
-Jimmy Kimmel
According to the magazine U.S. News and World Report, the best job in America is being a dentist. Which is interesting because a dentist’s office is the only place where people still read U.S. News and World Report.
-Jimmy Fallon
There was a flight from Cleveland to New York City with just two people on board. There hasn't been just two people on an airplane since the Wright brothers.
Congratulations to Ohio State, your new college football champions. Coach Urban Meyer may be the greatest football coach of all time. Don't confuse him with New York Mayor Bill de Blasio. That's urban quagmire.
-David Letterman
The IRS is warning that there could be long delays getting your tax refund this year because of budget cuts. They're expecting so many delays that they're renaming themselves the DMV.
The good news regarding the IRS budget cuts is that they also won't be auditing as many people. So if you've been thinking of claiming your pets as dependents this might be the year to do it.
President Obama is focused now on cyber security. He's pushing for new laws to protect companies from hackers. And who better to do that than the people who brought us the Obamacare website? Not only couldn't hackers get in, no one could penetrate it.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Yesterday, during his domestic abuse trial, NASCAR driver Kurt Busch said he believes his ex-girlfriend is a CIA-trained assassin. I guess those are just the kinds of thoughts you have when you drive in circles for four hours.
Fidel Castro, who hasn’t been publicly seen for more than a year, wrote a personal letter referencing current events to prove he is still alive. And nothing says “I’m alive in 2015” like writing a letter.
-Seth Meyers
