Down to the Last Drop
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
around that they offered a standing $1000 bet: The bartender would
squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon
to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would
win the money. Many people had tried over time but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
Spring Fever
Is There Baseball in Heaven?
Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."
The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.
A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."
"What's the bad news?"
"You're pitching on Wednesday."
Shorts
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the
bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "What do you do for a
living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
Spring Fever
Four high
school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After
lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much
to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so
take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"
Is There Baseball in Heaven?
Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."
The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.
A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."
"What's the bad news?"
"You're pitching on Wednesday."
Shorts
Can’t believe rich parents
actually pay for their kids to get into college instead of traumatizing
them just enough to have a good admissions essay like mine did.
@jaboukie
Doctor: So how's the diet going?
Me: I'm not sure I like your tone.
@thedad
Me: I'm not sure I like your tone.
@thedad
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog, "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this."
@niccagematch
@niccagematch
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