How are Babies Born
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Airline Stories
From the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!”
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced: ”Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
Another Flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said: ”Sonny, mind if I as you a question?” “Why no, Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said: “Did we land or were we shot down?”
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways."
On arriving at London's Heathrow Airport, the pilot announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to report that we have arrived on time since, owing to a stroke of luck, we managed to find the airport at the first attempt."
Vladimir Putin
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the public.
At the end of the talk, there is a session for questions, so little Olga puts her hand up and says, "I have two questions." "Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"
Putin says "Good questions." but just as he is about to answer, the bell goes off, and the kids go to lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down, and there is time for some more questions.
Another girl, Natasha, puts up her hand and says "I have four questions." "My questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go off 20 minutes early? And where is Olga?"
Getting Old
A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at the local pub.
"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this drink" said one.
"Yes, I know" said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see mine."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled" volunteered a third one.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you.” said one elderly lady.
Shorts & Late Night
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”
-Anonymous
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
-Franklin P. Jones
If you do a job too well, you’ll get stuck with it.
-Anonymous
Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.
-John Wilmot
The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you’re hungry again.
-George Miller
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
-Bob Hope
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.
-Rod Stewart
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
-Ronald Regan
Airline Stories
From the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!”
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced: ”Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
Another Flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said: ”Sonny, mind if I as you a question?” “Why no, Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said: “Did we land or were we shot down?”
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways."
On arriving at London's Heathrow Airport, the pilot announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to report that we have arrived on time since, owing to a stroke of luck, we managed to find the airport at the first attempt."
Vladimir Putin
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the public.
At the end of the talk, there is a session for questions, so little Olga puts her hand up and says, "I have two questions." "Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"
Putin says "Good questions." but just as he is about to answer, the bell goes off, and the kids go to lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down, and there is time for some more questions.
Another girl, Natasha, puts up her hand and says "I have four questions." "My questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go off 20 minutes early? And where is Olga?"
Getting Old
A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at the local pub.
"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this drink" said one.
"Yes, I know" said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see mine."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled" volunteered a third one.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you.” said one elderly lady.
“I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck" said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am and where I'm going" said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old." winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings." said a woman cheerfully,
"Thank God we can all still drive."
Shorts & Late Night
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”
-Anonymous
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
-Franklin P. Jones
If you do a job too well, you’ll get stuck with it.
-Anonymous
Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.
-John Wilmot
The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you’re hungry again.
-George Miller
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
-Bob Hope
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.
-Rod Stewart
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
-Ronald Regan
Don't just sit there smiling, share it with the rest of the class ---- Send us your humor BFloyd@ElectricSmarts.com
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