Sweet Charity
The wife came home early to find her husband with another woman.
"You unfaithful, disrespectful jerk! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house and I want a divorce!"
The husband replied, "Wait! Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened."
"It'll be the last thing I will hear from you so make it fast, you cheating creep."
While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her into my car.
I noticed she was very thin, not well dressed and dirty. She mentioned she had not eaten for three days. Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain more weight. When I served them to her, the poor young thing practically inhaled them.
Since she was dirty I asked her if she'd like to bathe. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were worn-out and full of holes so I threw them away.
Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you no longer wear because they're too tight on you. I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bother my sister. And I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair.
After she dressed, I walked the young woman to the door where she turned around and with tears of gratitude streaming down her cheeks, she asked me...
"Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn't use?"
It's Company Policy
Company Policy: Effective Immediately
Dress Code: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management Team
Goodbye Mom
A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Goodbye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout ... and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother." The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85." said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items..."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."
Shorts
The F.A.A. announced that more planes are being grounded because the wiring in the wheel well could cause an explosion, but assured the public that there was no issue of public safety.
Really, no safety issue there, but when I show up with three ounces of shampoo in my luggage...
- Jay Leno
A new device can turn thoughts into speech.
Don't we already have that? It's called alcohol.
- Jim Barach
It was a tough day for America. From 5:30 to 8:30 tonight, every Starbucks was closed.
It was terrible. For three full hours, people everywhere were forced to pay a reasonable amount for coffee.
- Jimmy Kimmel
A new study says that having a cat makes you 40 percent less likely to die of a heart attack.
Not that your cat would care one way or the other.
- Jay Leno
Bill Gates and some of his scientists have filed for a patent that would reduce the intensity of hurricanes.
This is why you shouldn't take on nerds in high school. One day you're giving them wedgies, the next day they're harnessing the power of hurricanes.
- Jimmy Kimmel
New research has found that Angelfish can distinguish between large and small and can count to three.
So Angelfish are ahead of American students in math and science.
- Jay Leno
Spirit Airlines became the first airline in the U.S. to charge passengers extra for carry-on luggage - 45 dollars to put a bag in the overhead bin.
Which is odd, because if you had an extra 45 bucks to spend, you probably wouldn't be flying Spirit Airlines.
- Jimmy Fallon
Don't just sit there smiling, share it with the rest of the class ---- Send us your humor BFloyd@ElectricSmarts.com
You are reading the best eNewsletter in the Industry. It is filled with Business Ideas, Product and Technology Tips, Web TV interview, links to Online Courses; and it always contains a few laughs to lighten your day. Sign up your employees or friends below, or send us a list complete with their name, title and email, and we'll sign them up for you.
CLICK HERE to Subscribe
"You unfaithful, disrespectful jerk! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house and I want a divorce!"
The husband replied, "Wait! Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened."
"It'll be the last thing I will hear from you so make it fast, you cheating creep."
While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her into my car.
I noticed she was very thin, not well dressed and dirty. She mentioned she had not eaten for three days. Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain more weight. When I served them to her, the poor young thing practically inhaled them.
Since she was dirty I asked her if she'd like to bathe. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were worn-out and full of holes so I threw them away.
Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you no longer wear because they're too tight on you. I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bother my sister. And I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair.
After she dressed, I walked the young woman to the door where she turned around and with tears of gratitude streaming down her cheeks, she asked me...
"Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn't use?"
It's Company Policy
Company Policy: Effective Immediately
Dress Code: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management Team
Goodbye Mom
A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Goodbye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout ... and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother." The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85." said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items..."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."
Shorts
The F.A.A. announced that more planes are being grounded because the wiring in the wheel well could cause an explosion, but assured the public that there was no issue of public safety.
Really, no safety issue there, but when I show up with three ounces of shampoo in my luggage...
- Jay Leno
A new device can turn thoughts into speech.
Don't we already have that? It's called alcohol.
- Jim Barach
It was a tough day for America. From 5:30 to 8:30 tonight, every Starbucks was closed.
It was terrible. For three full hours, people everywhere were forced to pay a reasonable amount for coffee.
- Jimmy Kimmel
A new study says that having a cat makes you 40 percent less likely to die of a heart attack.
Not that your cat would care one way or the other.
- Jay Leno
Bill Gates and some of his scientists have filed for a patent that would reduce the intensity of hurricanes.
This is why you shouldn't take on nerds in high school. One day you're giving them wedgies, the next day they're harnessing the power of hurricanes.
- Jimmy Kimmel
New research has found that Angelfish can distinguish between large and small and can count to three.
So Angelfish are ahead of American students in math and science.
- Jay Leno
Spirit Airlines became the first airline in the U.S. to charge passengers extra for carry-on luggage - 45 dollars to put a bag in the overhead bin.
Which is odd, because if you had an extra 45 bucks to spend, you probably wouldn't be flying Spirit Airlines.
- Jimmy Fallon
Don't just sit there smiling, share it with the rest of the class ---- Send us your humor BFloyd@ElectricSmarts.com
You are reading the best eNewsletter in the Industry. It is filled with Business Ideas, Product and Technology Tips, Web TV interview, links to Online Courses; and it always contains a few laughs to lighten your day. Sign up your employees or friends below, or send us a list complete with their name, title and email, and we'll sign them up for you.
CLICK HERE to Subscribe
