Grandma Goes to Court
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand
in a trial a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney was also surprised and shocked. At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.
What's Amore?
When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie
That's amore.
When an eel bites your hand
And that's not what you planned
That's a moray.
When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged
That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw
And the bales total four
That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife
She gets stabbed with a knife
That's a Moor, eh?
When a Japanese knight
Used a sword in a fight
That's Samurai.
I Give Up
Late Night TV
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney was also surprised and shocked. At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."
What's Amore?
When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie
That's amore.
When an eel bites your hand
And that's not what you planned
That's a moray.
When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged
That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw
And the bales total four
That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife
She gets stabbed with a knife
That's a Moor, eh?
When a Japanese knight
Used a sword in a fight
That's Samurai.
I Give Up
A County Deputy pulled a speeding car over.
When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.
The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the squad car , opened the rear door and got in.
The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Might as well take me to jail, there’s no way on earth I’m going to pass that test."
When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.
The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the squad car , opened the rear door and got in.
The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Might as well take me to jail, there’s no way on earth I’m going to pass that test."
Late Night TV
The state of Vermont
is trying to get people to move into their state and to sweeten the deal
they're now offering each new resident up to $10,000. This is great
because up until now, the most popular way to become a Vermont resident
was through the witness protection program.
-James Corden
Uber is working out a new feature that can tell if you're drunk when you request a ride. Here is how it works: If it's 2 a.m. and you call an Uber, you're drunk.
-Jimmy Fallon
The Cheesecake Factory has been fined $4.6 million for wage violations with their janitorial staff. And now to save money they have to remove the last 40 pages of their menu.
-Seth Myers
-James Corden
Uber is working out a new feature that can tell if you're drunk when you request a ride. Here is how it works: If it's 2 a.m. and you call an Uber, you're drunk.
-Jimmy Fallon
The Cheesecake Factory has been fined $4.6 million for wage violations with their janitorial staff. And now to save money they have to remove the last 40 pages of their menu.
-Seth Myers
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