Looking for a job? Here’s one posted on Craigslist.
$40K a Year to Attend Harvard University as Me.
Requirements include a 4.0 GPA in high school or a 3.5 GPA in college.
Only males need apply, since, as the listing tells us, I have a male name.
The lucky person tapped for the gig doesn’t have to do much other than attend all classes, pass all tests, and finish all assigned work while pretending you are me.
Don’t worry about having to actually get into the Ivy League school.
"I’ve already taken care of that.” he says.
How To Translate Work Emails
I have a question. = I have 18 questions.
I’ll look into it. = I’ve already forgotten about it.
I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum.
Happy to discuss further. = Don’t ask me about this again.
No worries. = You really messed up this time.
Take care. = This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.
Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here.” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
One Reason To Buy A Painting
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work.
They finally went with mine.
“I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral.” I said.
“No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in our wall.”
My Kids Don’t Know What I Do
I’ve been working on my PhD in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work.
As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get a job there.
Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?”
“Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.”
Wearing Husband Goggles
The party’s host paid me a great compliment. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said.
“Honest—I’ve had only one beer.”
My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected, “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.”
Shorts
NASA's Mars Lander has found traces of ice and salt on Mars.
Now it's searching for tequila.
- David Letterman
Scientists in California are developing a high-tech device that will tell obese people if they are eating too much and not exercising enough.
The device is called a "scale."
- Conan O'Brien
Air France announced that they will start charging obese passengers for two seats.
On the bright side, two seats, two meals...
- David Letterman
A new research study found that one in five people has an "unfitness" gene, which makes them out of shape no matter how much they exercise.
The same research also found that five out of five people will now use that as their excuse for being out of shape.
- Jimmy Fallon
===
A Vasectomy
A guy goes to his doctor and says he wants to get a vasectomy.
The doctor says, “That’s a big decision... have you discussed it with your family?”
The guy says, “Yeah, they’re in favor of it, 17 to 3.”
===
This guy runs home and bursts in and yells to his wife, “Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!”
She says, “Oh wonderful! Should I pack for warm weather or cold?”
He replies, “I don’t care . . . just be out of here by morning!”
Don't just sit there smiling, share it with the rest of the class ---- Send us your humor BFloyd@ElectricSmarts.com
You are reading the best eNewsletter in the Industry. It is filled with Business Ideas, Product and Technology Tips, Web TV interview, links to Online Courses; and it always contains a few laughs to lighten your day. Sign up your employees or friends below, or send us a list complete with their name, title and email, and we'll sign them up for you.
CLICK HERE to Subscribe
Requirements include a 4.0 GPA in high school or a 3.5 GPA in college.
Only males need apply, since, as the listing tells us, I have a male name.
The lucky person tapped for the gig doesn’t have to do much other than attend all classes, pass all tests, and finish all assigned work while pretending you are me.
Don’t worry about having to actually get into the Ivy League school.
"I’ve already taken care of that.” he says.
How To Translate Work Emails
I have a question. = I have 18 questions.
I’ll look into it. = I’ve already forgotten about it.
I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum.
Happy to discuss further. = Don’t ask me about this again.
No worries. = You really messed up this time.
Take care. = This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.
Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here.” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
One Reason To Buy A Painting
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work.
They finally went with mine.
“I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral.” I said.
“No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in our wall.”
My Kids Don’t Know What I Do
I’ve been working on my PhD in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work.
As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get a job there.
Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?”
“Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.”
Wearing Husband Goggles
The party’s host paid me a great compliment. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said.
“Honest—I’ve had only one beer.”
My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected, “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.”
Shorts
NASA's Mars Lander has found traces of ice and salt on Mars.
Now it's searching for tequila.
- David Letterman
Scientists in California are developing a high-tech device that will tell obese people if they are eating too much and not exercising enough.
The device is called a "scale."
- Conan O'Brien
Air France announced that they will start charging obese passengers for two seats.
On the bright side, two seats, two meals...
- David Letterman
A new research study found that one in five people has an "unfitness" gene, which makes them out of shape no matter how much they exercise.
The same research also found that five out of five people will now use that as their excuse for being out of shape.
- Jimmy Fallon
===
A Vasectomy
A guy goes to his doctor and says he wants to get a vasectomy.
The doctor says, “That’s a big decision... have you discussed it with your family?”
The guy says, “Yeah, they’re in favor of it, 17 to 3.”
===
This guy runs home and bursts in and yells to his wife, “Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!”
She says, “Oh wonderful! Should I pack for warm weather or cold?”
He replies, “I don’t care . . . just be out of here by morning!”
Don't just sit there smiling, share it with the rest of the class ---- Send us your humor BFloyd@ElectricSmarts.com
You are reading the best eNewsletter in the Industry. It is filled with Business Ideas, Product and Technology Tips, Web TV interview, links to Online Courses; and it always contains a few laughs to lighten your day. Sign up your employees or friends below, or send us a list complete with their name, title and email, and we'll sign them up for you.
CLICK HERE to Subscribe
