Your Walmart Doctor
One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, Bob, you don't have to spend that kind of money." Stan replies.
There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Bob fills a small jar with his urine and takes it to Wal-Mart He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Here is a Doctor's certificate for your employer."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a urine sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and some water out of his favorite fishing hole, just for good measure.
He then went back to Wal-Mart, eager to test the computer. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits.
In ten seconds the computer prints the following: "1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant --Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop fishing, your elbow will never get better."
"And, as always... Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
Security - Out Of Hand
When I was at the checkout and ready to pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note so I could complain to my local Congressman about this security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.
Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
The Pilot and the Priest
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Bruce, retired airline pilot from Sydney ."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute." says the good father. "That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"
"Up here - we go by results." says Saint Peter. "When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed."
Cards You Will Never See At Hallmark
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?"
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."
"I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened, especially since you survived."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!"
"Congratulations on getting married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"
"I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly."
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
Shorts & Late Night
An amazing Super Bowl last evening. The New England Patriots and the Seattle Seahawks both defeated the Seattle Seahawks.
-Seth Meyers
With all the bad weather, people are expecting to be cooped up. Some have been turning to Craigslist to find blizzard companions. As a general rule, if you wouldn't sleep on a futon you found on Craigslist, you probably shouldn't sleep with a person you found there either.
-Jimmy Kimmell
"Listen, Bob, you don't have to spend that kind of money." Stan replies.
There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Bob fills a small jar with his urine and takes it to Wal-Mart He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Here is a Doctor's certificate for your employer."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a urine sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and some water out of his favorite fishing hole, just for good measure.
He then went back to Wal-Mart, eager to test the computer. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits.
In ten seconds the computer prints the following: "1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant --Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop fishing, your elbow will never get better."
"And, as always... Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
Security - Out Of Hand
When I was at the checkout and ready to pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note so I could complain to my local Congressman about this security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.
Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
The Pilot and the Priest
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Bruce, retired airline pilot from Sydney ."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute." says the good father. "That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"
"Up here - we go by results." says Saint Peter. "When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed."
Cards You Will Never See At Hallmark
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?"
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."
"I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened, especially since you survived."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!"
"Congratulations on getting married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"
"I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly."
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
Shorts & Late Night
An amazing Super Bowl last evening. The New England Patriots and the Seattle Seahawks both defeated the Seattle Seahawks.
-Seth Meyers
With all the bad weather, people are expecting to be cooped up. Some have been turning to Craigslist to find blizzard companions. As a general rule, if you wouldn't sleep on a futon you found on Craigslist, you probably shouldn't sleep with a person you found there either.
-Jimmy Kimmell
