Dates From Hell
- He couldn’t remember my name, so he asked if I would mind if he just called me Amy instead.
- In a restaurant, she said she did a great impression of a fax machine. Then she beeped loudly while unraveling a napkin from her mouth.
- He said, “From your photo, I thought you were too good for me. I’m glad to see you’ve got flaws.” Then he listed them.
Irish Joke
Paddy says to Mick,"I found this pen, is it yours?"
Mick replies, "don't know, give it here." He then tries it and says, "yes it is."
Paddy asks, "how do you know?”
Mick replies,"that's my handwriting."
True Weight
I am five feet three inches tall and pleasingly plump.
After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.
The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, “Five-foot-eight and 125 pounds.”
“Sweetheart,” my mother gently chided, “this is not the Internet.”
Young Man
Visiting his parents’ retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk.
Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old boy.
After a while, Tim’s father returned from his walk and called out, “I’m ready to leave.”
Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had to leave because his father was calling.
Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy cried, “You’re a kid?”
Think Globally, Work Scarcely
From the news: “Bob” was considered a star at the computer company where he worked.
He made a six-figure salary and routinely received excellent performance reviews.
And now we know why. Without his boss’s knowledge, “Bob” had outsourced his entire job to a company in China—for a fifth of his salary.
He then spent his days at his desk playing games, shopping on eBay, and watching cat videos.
The Age-Old Question
Eight fellow accountants and I got into the elevator at work, never stopping our discussions about an upcoming meeting.
After a minute, a voice from the back interrupted us.
“So,” a man said, “how many accountants does it take to press the elevator button?”
Shorts and Late Night
A woman was arrested yesterday morning for trying to scale a White House fence for the second time in a week.
The Secret Service said, “We wish you were living here, too, Mrs. Clinton, but you can’t keep doing that.”
It was announced that Canada plans to legalize marijuana by July of next year. It’s exciting for Americans because now they can add weed to the list of drugs they buy in Canada.
-Jimmy Fallon
Today President Trump gave NASA $19.5 billion to develop a manned mission to Mars. President Trump said he wants to see if Mars can sustain life and a casino.
-Conan O’Brien
There’s a lot of lead-up to March Madness, but for half the teams, the tournament ends very abruptly.
Sixteen teams were eliminated today. Maybe you wanted to win, but the good news is, now you get to return to your studies which is why you go to college in the first place.
College students are out of town for spring break. This is the time of year students take a well-deserved break from partying and drinking at school to go party and drink on a beach or perhaps another town.
Over the next few weeks more than 50,000 future careers will be ruined by photos posted on Facebook of spring break.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Hillary Clinton is reportedly still considering a run for mayor of New York City. And, weirdly, this time she IS campaigning in Michigan and Wisconsin. Fool me once, right?
President Trump yesterday suggested that Chief of Staff Reince Priebus might someday run a car company. Oh my God, does Trump think his name is Prius?
-Seth Meyers
Don't just sit there smiling, share it with the rest of the class ---- Send us your humor BFloyd@ElectricSmarts.com
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