National Levels of Alert - Threats to Europe
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria
and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person
And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC
Eighty and Proud
An old man goes into a confession booth and tells the priest, “Father, I’m eighty years old, married, have four kids and eleven grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two eighteen-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.”
The priest said, “Well, my son, when was the last time you came to confession?”
“Never, Father, I’m Jewish.”
“So then, why are you telling me?”
“I’m telling everybody!”
Understanding Golf
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.
There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly – or start cheating.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Golf got its name because all of the other four-letter words were taken.
Too Old To Rock?
The older you get, you’re just too tired to care about the same things.
Rock concerts, I used to camp out for tickets.
Now you could tell me Barbra Streisand is playing for free down the street, and I’d say, “How far down the street?"
Let’s just stay here and watch the Discovery Channel.
"C’mon, it’s Shark Week!”
-Kathleen Madigan
Cosmetics
Makeup is such a weird concept.
I wake up in the morning, and look in the mirror: “Gee, I really don’t look so good."
"Maybe if my eyelids were blue, I’d be more attractive.”
-Cathy Ladman
Shorts and Late Night
The CEO of the dating app Tinder is leaving after just five months with the company. Though five months is still Tinder’s longest relationship.
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are being accused of sexism over a new campaign to target female fans by providing simplified explanations of basic rules. But if that’s the most sexist thing that happens in football this year, it's a pretty good year.
-Seth Meyers
Officials investigating Hillary's email scandal found that two of the four classified emails on her private account had information labeled “Top Secret.” That was pretty stupid. Everyone knows if you want to hide stuff on your computer, you put it in a folder labeled
"Tax Stuff 2008.”
Lay’s is once again letting people vote on its newest flavor of potato chips. Or as Americans put it, “Finally, an election we care about.”
-Jimmy Fallon
A new poll shows that Hillary Clinton is only six points ahead of Bernie Sanders. Today a very confident Hillary said, "Oh, please. Like I'm going to lose the Democratic nomination to a left-wing senator nobody's ever heard of?"
Donald Trump insisted he's always had a great relationship with women. He said, "I believe a woman can be anything she wants to be, whether that's Miss USA or Miss Universe. Either one."
-Conan O’Brien
Don't just sit there smiling, share it with the rest of the class ---- Send us your humor BFloyd@ElectricSmarts.com
You are reading the best eNewsletter in the Industry. It is filled with Business Ideas, Product and Technology Tips, Web TV interview, links to Online Courses; and it always contains a few laughs to lighten your day. Sign up your employees or friends below, or send us a list complete with their name, title and email, and we'll sign them up for you.
CLICK HERE to Subscribe
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person
And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC
Eighty and Proud
An old man goes into a confession booth and tells the priest, “Father, I’m eighty years old, married, have four kids and eleven grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two eighteen-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.”
The priest said, “Well, my son, when was the last time you came to confession?”
“Never, Father, I’m Jewish.”
“So then, why are you telling me?”
“I’m telling everybody!”
Understanding Golf
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.
There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly – or start cheating.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Golf got its name because all of the other four-letter words were taken.
Too Old To Rock?
The older you get, you’re just too tired to care about the same things.
Rock concerts, I used to camp out for tickets.
Now you could tell me Barbra Streisand is playing for free down the street, and I’d say, “How far down the street?"
Let’s just stay here and watch the Discovery Channel.
"C’mon, it’s Shark Week!”
-Kathleen Madigan
Cosmetics
Makeup is such a weird concept.
I wake up in the morning, and look in the mirror: “Gee, I really don’t look so good."
"Maybe if my eyelids were blue, I’d be more attractive.”
-Cathy Ladman
Shorts and Late Night
The CEO of the dating app Tinder is leaving after just five months with the company. Though five months is still Tinder’s longest relationship.
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are being accused of sexism over a new campaign to target female fans by providing simplified explanations of basic rules. But if that’s the most sexist thing that happens in football this year, it's a pretty good year.
-Seth Meyers
Officials investigating Hillary's email scandal found that two of the four classified emails on her private account had information labeled “Top Secret.” That was pretty stupid. Everyone knows if you want to hide stuff on your computer, you put it in a folder labeled
"Tax Stuff 2008.”
Lay’s is once again letting people vote on its newest flavor of potato chips. Or as Americans put it, “Finally, an election we care about.”
-Jimmy Fallon
A new poll shows that Hillary Clinton is only six points ahead of Bernie Sanders. Today a very confident Hillary said, "Oh, please. Like I'm going to lose the Democratic nomination to a left-wing senator nobody's ever heard of?"
Donald Trump insisted he's always had a great relationship with women. He said, "I believe a woman can be anything she wants to be, whether that's Miss USA or Miss Universe. Either one."
-Conan O’Brien
Don't just sit there smiling, share it with the rest of the class ---- Send us your humor BFloyd@ElectricSmarts.com
You are reading the best eNewsletter in the Industry. It is filled with Business Ideas, Product and Technology Tips, Web TV interview, links to Online Courses; and it always contains a few laughs to lighten your day. Sign up your employees or friends below, or send us a list complete with their name, title and email, and we'll sign them up for you.
CLICK HERE to Subscribe
