Things You'll Never Hear Your Dad Say
Would you turn that music up, please?
Hey, that tattoo looks great. We should both go get new ones.
Yeah sure, go ahead and take my car. And here's 50 bucks for gas too.
Your mother and I are going away for the weekend. Why don't you invite all your friends round for a party?
Backseat Driver
On the day I received my learner’s permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver’s seat.
Expectant Fathers
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.
The nurse tells the first man, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins!"
"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"
The nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets!"
"Wow, what a coincidence! I work for 3M Corporation!"
The nurse then tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.
"Another coincidence! I work at the Four Seasons Hotel!"
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask what's wrong.
"What's wrong?! I work for Seven-Up!"
Shorts
Hey, that tattoo looks great. We should both go get new ones.
Yeah sure, go ahead and take my car. And here's 50 bucks for gas too.
Your mother and I are going away for the weekend. Why don't you invite all your friends round for a party?
Here, you have the remote.
Backseat Driver
On the day I received my learner’s permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver’s seat.
“Why aren’t you sitting up front on the passenger’s side?” I asked.
“Kirsten, I’ve been waiting for this ever since you were a little girl,” Dad replied. “Now it’s my turn to sit back here and kick the seat.”
“Kirsten, I’ve been waiting for this ever since you were a little girl,” Dad replied. “Now it’s my turn to sit back here and kick the seat.”
Expectant Fathers
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.
The nurse tells the first man, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins!"
"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"
The nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets!"
"Wow, what a coincidence! I work for 3M Corporation!"
The nurse then tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.
"Another coincidence! I work at the Four Seasons Hotel!"
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask what's wrong.
"What's wrong?! I work for Seven-Up!"
Shorts
Before I had kids I didn't even know you could cut a sandwich wrong.
@thedad
It's my son's birthday this week; so we've been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
@tweetpotato314
@tweetpotato314
[5:45 AM, in harsh whisper]
Daddy, don't worry, you can sleep. I'm making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the oven?
Me: I'm up.
Daddy, don't worry, you can sleep. I'm making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the oven?
Me: I'm up.
@simoncholland
Doc: "Your dads been in a coma for 9 days, we're running out of ideas."
Me: "Let me try" [goes to adjust thermostat]
Me: "Let me try" [goes to adjust thermostat]
Dad: Opens one eye.
@keetpotato
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