Courtroom Comedy
These are from a book called "Disorder In The Court" and are things
people said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
---
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
---
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
---
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
---
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
----
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
---
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
---
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
A Bad Day
There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life." I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
Setting Up Camp
The loaded mini-van pulled into the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent.
The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.
A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."
The father replied, "I have a system -- no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."
Shorts and Late Night
Brain Cramps by Famous People
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-- Lee Iacocca
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-- Bill Clinton, President
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-- Keppel Enderbery
Don't just sit there smiling, share it with the rest of the class ---- Send us your humor BFloyd@ElectricSmarts.com
You are reading the best eNewsletter in the Industry. It is filled with Business Ideas, Product and Technology Tips, Web TV interview, links to Online Courses; and it always contains a few laughs to lighten your day. Sign up your employees or friends below, or send us a list complete with their name, title and email, and we'll sign them up for you.
CLICK HERE to Subscribe
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
---
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
---
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
---
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
---
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
----
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
---
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
---
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
A Bad Day
There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life." I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
Setting Up Camp
The loaded mini-van pulled into the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent.
The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.
A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."
The father replied, "I have a system -- no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."
Shorts and Late Night
Brain Cramps by Famous People
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-- Lee Iacocca
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-- Bill Clinton, President
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-- Keppel Enderbery
Don't just sit there smiling, share it with the rest of the class ---- Send us your humor BFloyd@ElectricSmarts.com
You are reading the best eNewsletter in the Industry. It is filled with Business Ideas, Product and Technology Tips, Web TV interview, links to Online Courses; and it always contains a few laughs to lighten your day. Sign up your employees or friends below, or send us a list complete with their name, title and email, and we'll sign them up for you.
CLICK HERE to Subscribe
